I speak faster than I think often

here's the top line



and I do think fast.


type fast enough I don't
so I'm gonna cheat won't I
and copy past
e here

in place of this little barf
some stuff I wrote maybe
if it doesn't turn out to be a load of stoned wank
which it might
which i doubt.

if  I f
ind time

here's the bottom line

if u hang wth 9 broke friends u gonna be the tenth

I have reached the next level in the juju game, managed to totally suprise it by acting mega spontaneously and being totally surprised myself at the developments of this broke thursday

back from a very successful totally unexpected business  meeting (picia palenia i snow o zwyciestwie - I need to watch gone with the wind to translate this one) with jordi  --

[via local adventures involving an opening of a new massive twat bar on my doorstep so badly designed (a naked baby doll in a frame kind of bad. and other weird things, couldn't even determine what they were. and really old toilets that got blocked - all of them - within the first few hours of openineg with rusty old tanks not attached properly to the wall so when you pull on the rusty old chain it comes off the wall right at you, I'm surprised no one got seriously injured - cool, geddit? not. all in all a crap carboot sale pretending to be an antiques market kind of eclectic, but also cutting cost so bad everything literally falling apart. and I am talking the opening night here!!)  and by the looks of things so loved by the new white british clapton crowd it hurts. met the builders - including an interesting russian sculptor-designer - who had to build it the way they were told=fuck up everything that could possibly be fucked up while knowing how it should be done. clapton has been turning from crackton into crapton fast. it's painful. I can live with dalston cause I dont live there but this I'm gonna have to do something about quick...]

-- with great pictures from a recent gig and (50) dillas (2004) beats! fucking madness! another broke thursday (May so far actually) turns into best day ever kinda shit. oh well. should be used to this...me and the juju (this by the way is, I hope you realise, interchangeable with god, fate, lady luck, fuku, you name it) can be a really good team when we both put some effort in it.


and my biggest goldfish/geanie dream is still to bring CBD to london. and since I've got 3: Hermanos de Causa and Damu the Fudgemunk. I know I could have picked easier (or at least possible) but when did I ever?

that's fine but I'm so broke I can't even pay you no mind

east is east

they have THE REAL AVOCADO (and mango) in harlsden! hundreds! in HARLSDEN!! you know the big, bright yellow inside thing that gets ripe and creamy before it rots and has taste! as opposed to the ubiquitous greyish green tasteless stuff that never really ripens. I thought they might actually, I hadn't been to Ivan's 'willesden junction' shop in years, not since I moved out of the one andonly All Souls Avenue I guess, and Palm 2 has now replaced it as The Best Shop in London (not only amazing when it comes to selection quality and resourcefulness, they are also the nicest people!) but I suspected if it was to be found anywhere it'd have to be there. and it is.

went on a bit of a sentimental trip around that area the other day as it turned out the exam i was doing (examining not being examined which is another story) was at the academy right behind All Souls.

Kensal Green/Rise has changed. New developmens, new posh pubs and bars and trendy shops along Harrow Road and Chamberlain road (wireless not working at the Paradise though, disappointing). I was relieved to see that the little Bangladeshi newsagents is still there. went to say hello and the owner remembered me and was really happy to see me! I had lived in his flat above the shop for about two weeks when I decided a month on the living room sofa at 168 (while waiting to take over the small room or was it a cupboard?) was enough, shared my problem with the guy and two days later he said he had a room for me. it was the most uncomfortable sofa trust me. cafe rossio still there too, still empty other than a couple of sombre portuguese pensioners each at their separate table, sipping cafezinho, but the É uma casa portuguesa, com certeza seems to have disappeared off the wall...

Harlsden... is Harlsden, as dodgy now as it was then. completely forgot about the killer one way system combined with too narrow and crammed pavements to go over them. had to walk with the bike and yes, did end up having long conversations and giving away all fags to the local area boys life is life. other than that no interaction, which didn't surprise me much. I got used out of west london and how unfriendly and tense it is compared to the east. got back emotionally knackered and instead of going home where did I go? yep. and there of all places I got the first hint of the amazing month of April being OVER. only just realised actually it was May 1 the day when things started going wrong. or rather were about to start but it was already in the air. I can feel these things somehow, not sure why. something to do with my date of birth I'm told.

so


strikes back.

I've been waiting I let myself be so unapologetically positive about everything that's been happening I could barely believe it let me. I've been talking about it too, in an unashamedly happy way, telling poeple how amazing all the developments have been and how blessed I've been feeling. I knew I was daring fate, I knew it was watching me with it's ever more squinting eyes. still, zero negativity, zero spells, zero superpower shit. I had become quite good at it's game but recently I just wouldn't play. and for the entire month of April it let me. and bwoy if it wasn't the best month ever!

as I said I've been waiting and it came down crashing on me, hitting where it hurts. but hey as I said also, I know it's game, I'll take it through the nose as they say where I'm from. now. fuck off juju yes yes boiler room!

lions and fleas

I've goten a bit lost thinking about too many things at the same time, (ok that's not exactly new hahahaha) and the fact that ALL of my projects suddenly seem possible - more than possible, about to happen! - doesn't help. it cannot all happen at the same time. decisions need to be made as to what first. it's still everything in the long run, I hope I'll never be forced to abandon any of the ideas that seem so ripe and ready to have actual work put into them. but there are too many and I keep coming up with new ones and it all fits together beautifully which doesn't unfortunately mean that there is enough time for all of it. also I still spend the lion part of the day thinking up things and a measly flea part actually making them happen. It has been changing slowly but surely but slowly... the studio siuation is still on hold, we can't start working there until C moves all her STUFF (all three vanloads of it apparently) there and we have built the mezzanine so that's one excuse. having suddenly been hired and having to spend time being paid for hanging out is another.

and then there is the hypermania. a perfect state. I recommend to anyone who can handle it, keep it at just the right level so it doesn't kill or turn into depression when you (inevitably) need rest. but it also consumes time and energy. again used wisely it brings a lot of good important experience (and contacts) which I am really greatful for but again again, it's just experience.

meanwhile - ¿as yet another method of procrastination? - I insist on helping people, some of whom don't even want my help and don't seem to appreciate it much. it's ok, I don't expect anything in return and when I do get a thank you, comes as a nice surprise, I know no one's forcing me to be mother f theresa it's my choice (well not exactly, it was mama nature's decision I guess, I dey thank u mama o!). sometimes though I wonder if it's worth it and if it's the best I can do, maybe I should start helping myself a bit more, the rent unfortunately will not pay itself. bitch. I have managed to opt out of money as much as possible I think but completely not gonna happen not in this world.

had a nightmare last night. I don't really get those, I've only had a handful during my entire life. I do have weird dreams with some pretty kray shit going on I guess, sometimes when I tell people they say the stuff would scare the shit out of them but I don't really find them scary (may be something to do with the fact that I'm not generally prone to fear, I don't really come across scary things, places or people in life) I remember my first nightmare, I was three years old and Filip the grasshopper from Maya the Bee turned into stone and then into fire. I was frightened. Then many years later I had one in which me and my mother were running through a maze of canals, pipes and tubs chased by someone trying to bury us alive. I had a couple more over the years when a family memebr died and last night's one was one of them. the worst thing I can imagine happening happened out of the blue in the middle of one of those intense fucked up stories I tend to dream: someone knocks on my door and says my brother is dead. fell off a cliff or something I didn't actually listen to the details my legs gave in I fell to the floor and started thrushing about and wailing. this went on for a while until I woke up completely distraught.

don't subscribe create your own

the bigest problem with philosophical, ideological, social, political, economical models is that a lot of their followers adopt them for the wrong reasons, namely in opposition to something else. what follows is they concenrate on what's wrong with the something else rather that what's right about what they 'believe in' or even what it really is. and a lot of people are this way subscribed to things they don't fully understand or ever analyse or question. as long as such people dont spread their 'philosophy' (which often is just thinly vailed haterid) under a good sounding name with some well known good slogans (and a whole load more they don't really go into) attached to it, that's their problem. but if such a person is charismatic and develops following it can cause a lot of damage.

reasoning with followers of ideologies often proves unworthy of your time and energy becaue they will not listen. they can't reallyor they maight end up being made aware (or having to admit, some are aware all right) of what they are actually promoting and that is not something they need or want. if you point out flaws in their adopted model to such a person they will always have stronger arguments than you becasue they will completely ignore the flaws you just pointed out and bring out the flaws in what they are opposing as if you were it's strongest believer. and what they are oposing will often be something nasty so the arguments against 'you' will be heavy.

confession of a moth

just for a brief moment
I longed for such a pair
of colourful flapping wings
self-assured and self-posessed

and I smiled knowing what
I was not

impotence

mixed messages miscommunication miscomprehension
nothing vetured nothing gained nothing to lose

regret already there ready to take over from hope
accompanied by the insidious mindset: everything happens for a reason

"And somewhere still roam lions who understand
in their majesty, nothing of impotence"*

*The Duino Elegies: The Fourth Elegy, Rainer Maria Rilke, translated by Alison Croggon