lions and fleas

I've goten a bit lost thinking about too many things at the same time, (ok that's not exactly new hahahaha) and the fact that ALL of my projects suddenly seem possible - more than possible, about to happen! - doesn't help. it cannot all happen at the same time. decisions need to be made as to what first. it's still everything in the long run, I hope I'll never be forced to abandon any of the ideas that seem so ripe and ready to have actual work put into them. but there are too many and I keep coming up with new ones and it all fits together beautifully which doesn't unfortunately mean that there is enough time for all of it. also I still spend the lion part of the day thinking up things and a measly flea part actually making them happen. It has been changing slowly but surely but slowly... the studio siuation is still on hold, we can't start working there until C moves all her STUFF (all three vanloads of it apparently) there and we have built the mezzanine so that's one excuse. having suddenly been hired and having to spend time being paid for hanging out is another.

and then there is the hypermania. a perfect state. I recommend to anyone who can handle it, keep it at just the right level so it doesn't kill or turn into depression when you (inevitably) need rest. but it also consumes time and energy. again used wisely it brings a lot of good important experience (and contacts) which I am really greatful for but again again, it's just experience.

meanwhile - ¿as yet another method of procrastination? - I insist on helping people, some of whom don't even want my help and don't seem to appreciate it much. it's ok, I don't expect anything in return and when I do get a thank you, comes as a nice surprise, I know no one's forcing me to be mother f theresa it's my choice (well not exactly, it was mama nature's decision I guess, I dey thank u mama o!). sometimes though I wonder if it's worth it and if it's the best I can do, maybe I should start helping myself a bit more, the rent unfortunately will not pay itself. bitch. I have managed to opt out of money as much as possible I think but completely not gonna happen not in this world.

had a nightmare last night. I don't really get those, I've only had a handful during my entire life. I do have weird dreams with some pretty kray shit going on I guess, sometimes when I tell people they say the stuff would scare the shit out of them but I don't really find them scary (may be something to do with the fact that I'm not generally prone to fear, I don't really come across scary things, places or people in life) I remember my first nightmare, I was three years old and Filip the grasshopper from Maya the Bee turned into stone and then into fire. I was frightened. Then many years later I had one in which me and my mother were running through a maze of canals, pipes and tubs chased by someone trying to bury us alive. I had a couple more over the years when a family memebr died and last night's one was one of them. the worst thing I can imagine happening happened out of the blue in the middle of one of those intense fucked up stories I tend to dream: someone knocks on my door and says my brother is dead. fell off a cliff or something I didn't actually listen to the details my legs gave in I fell to the floor and started thrushing about and wailing. this went on for a while until I woke up completely distraught.