holy grail

everyone wants to talk about relationships these days. what's gotten into people? or am I somehow subconsciously starting it? I don't think I am, still, the subject has been on my mind more than I would like it to be and the fact that so many of my (mainly male for some reason) friends seem to think that I am a perfect container for their built up frustration, doesn't help.

I may be a perfect container for everyone's frustration but everyone's frustration may not  be what the container needs at the moment.

meanwhile my own quest for an ideal man has become a parody of itself and I have to admit I do find it mildly amusing. basically there are two bottom lines: 1. nobody's perfect. 2. only perfect is good enough. the cause is lost. or is it? I say depends on the definition of perfect. looking for perfection in another person has one rather unpleasant side effect though. I look back at myself and ask the inevitable question: what makes me deserve it? have I got what it takes for this increadible being I have dreamt up to find me equally incredible? I am talking someone I can admire but am I admirable? someone who's passionate about what he does and good at it but am I good at anything? the only thing I seem to have mastered is procrastination. here comes bottom line number 3: I am far from perfect. farther than usual I'd say, at least on the surface, this has not been a very good year so far. taking my life into my hands was a fabulous idea, I can honestly say I don't regret it. not being able to work out what to do with it was not part of the plan though. no real surprise there since no plan of mine has come to fruition since... er... ever? everything that has ever worked out well has always been a total surprise, I don't feel like any of my life 'choices' have been conscious decisions. all the conscious decisions I havetried to make, all the plans I have devised seem to have always been obliterated by this crazy wicked god that I have almost really come to believe in. she's got a plan? c'mon, it's good! it's good, go for it! yeah! develop it a bit more! BANG! HAHAHAHAHA. I'm glad someone's having fun.... still, I don't learn. I'm prone to hope and will continue to make plans. and... er... have all this love to give to this totally amazing person out there. but maybe not just yet, I  think I'd like to like myself a little more first. still, I have no say in matters concerning my life so all this is academic.

went to kiss E good night - she's such a fragile thing I sometimes feel like she is this rare, increadibly delicate flower that needs to be loved and looked after or she'll wilt and die - and found her crying uncontrollably over the keybord. I worry about her she seems to be at the end of her tether and she doesn't know how to deal with frustration and anger. everyone seems to be having such hard time these days, must be something in the water. which is, apparently, running out fast, soon to be rationed at this rate. at least it's raining.

the Turk is ignoring me, I think I might have lost a friend. maybe she wasn't a real friend after all. ok I did fuck her over but I really didn't mean to, it really was hardly my fault and she knows that, surely? I hope she'll come round, though I noticed - this kinda scares me but is welcome, I do care just slightly too much about everything and everyone -it doesn't bother me too much. maybe I am begining to give less fuck about things, I wouldn't mind.