looking for housemates is a nightmare. advertising and having strangers see rooms in your house is the worst case scenario and should be avoided at all cost if for one reason only: telling people you like or feel sorry for that they haven't made it is barely bearable. and it's not the only reason. I am proud to say we really did it as a last minute last resort (thought out of denial more than anything else) - ad on gumtree friday night some 9 people seen saturday room available sunday - still it hurt. we agonised for hours over whom to choose - there were four people we liked, obviously more than empty rooms and obviously better than less than empty rooms, still agony. finally made a choice we seemed happyish with, some of us more than others, and it got messy anyway. misunderstandings followed, had to change our mind and get out of the initial choice, someone got upset. and then more spectacular and totally unexpected problems of different nature that I'm not gonna go into followed, need sorting out immediatelly and will cost money we don't have. the guys are at work so I'm left with all the quick actions and decisions and a massive headache is clouding my judgement.
another month started and judging by the first couple of days it has no intention of being less fucking fucked that the last two.
yeah...
can't help but wonder what all this is gonna do to my psyche but mainly soma. I've already broken a rib, had a black out in a club and been suffering serious migraines. my body is totally confused I sleep randomly eat randomly and stress all the time. the amount and intensity of weirdness surrounding me is bound to have an impact. I'm trying to take it all through the nose and translate it into valuable experience - am unable and unwilling to be upset or angry for a long time, don't hold grudges etc - but things do hit me hard initially. one is - dangerously for one's physical health, one is beginning to realise - quite sensitive
the suggestion I've got for this week is: doubt yourself more, doubt others less
it's hard for me to go with this one at this moment. it came to me before things that happened in the last few days happened. I won't get into it because it's personal but mainly because it is too long and complicated a story and I'm still not entirely sure what to make of it. the long and short of it is my trust in people has been put on trial and is struggling to hold ground. It's been being put on trial repeatedly lately actually but this time more spectacularly that before. .anyways anyways
yes people are wolfes out there to get you. untrustworthy and self-interested. some of them. fewer than you think (though more than I used to think.......I do live in a bubble, someone or something is set on burtsting it)
yes there are probably things you understand better and know more about than others. some things. fewer than you think
listen to other people more. trust your judgement less
and now something from a completely different barrel as they say where I'm from
I was told by a British guy the other day during a conversation with a few random people I'd just met about what everyone does etc that I was quite cultured for a Pole. for a second I thought I'd imagined it (my opinion on British people in general is rather low I'm sorry to say. it is purely based on experience and I do keep challenging it and finding exceptions obviously) but no, straight face and all the jerk seemed happy with his comment. and I guess expected me to be with the er... compliment presumably? I said to this, after I stopped hyperventilating mildly: 'you are quite cultured for a Brit.'' sarcasm oozing, to which he replied unphased 'I am.' to which I walked away with my eyes and mouth as open as they git.
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