don't subscribe create your own

the bigest problem with philosophical, ideological, social, political, economical models is that a lot of their followers adopt them for the wrong reasons, namely in opposition to something else. what follows is they concenrate on what's wrong with the something else rather that what's right about what they 'believe in' or even what it really is. and a lot of people are this way subscribed to things they don't fully understand or ever analyse or question. as long as such people dont spread their 'philosophy' (which often is just thinly vailed haterid) under a good sounding name with some well known good slogans (and a whole load more they don't really go into) attached to it, that's their problem. but if such a person is charismatic and develops following it can cause a lot of damage.

reasoning with followers of ideologies often proves unworthy of your time and energy becaue they will not listen. they can't reallyor they maight end up being made aware (or having to admit, some are aware all right) of what they are actually promoting and that is not something they need or want. if you point out flaws in their adopted model to such a person they will always have stronger arguments than you becasue they will completely ignore the flaws you just pointed out and bring out the flaws in what they are opposing as if you were it's strongest believer. and what they are oposing will often be something nasty so the arguments against 'you' will be heavy.

confession of a moth

just for a brief moment
I longed for such a pair
of colourful flapping wings
self-assured and self-posessed

and I smiled knowing what
I was not

impotence

mixed messages miscommunication miscomprehension
nothing vetured nothing gained nothing to lose

regret already there ready to take over from hope
accompanied by the insidious mindset: everything happens for a reason

"And somewhere still roam lions who understand
in their majesty, nothing of impotence"*

*The Duino Elegies: The Fourth Elegy, Rainer Maria Rilke, translated by Alison Croggon

la lancha

you once said that look in your eyes is like freedom of thought

you said - that night en la playita blanca where you finally got

in the worst possible moment - you mentioned

the noise you heard but she didn't pay attention

so surprised that you finally found

that tiny patch of white sand

having to walk the whole length of the town

the whole length of the black beach.

and it was a very long black beach

which you didn't mind though your mileage

must have been in double figures by the time you crossed

the windy wooden bridge

that joined two sides of a lake and lead

to a quaint little village perched on the verge of a hill
made up of minute houses

walls so thin that lit from within

in semi-darkness that had by then crawled in

they looked like lanterns.

and by the time you emerged from that last bit of forest

straight into this dream

surrounded by rocks and went for a swim

it was dark.

you said - just before you run from there

and they caught you

and kept you there in the black beach

swiping the sea with a torch pointlessly

then shining it back in your faces

finding, incredulous, no traces

of fear or panic or mere preoccupation

and drove you back to the station in a wobbly Russian lada

and called the poor woman in the house where you were staying

and scared her to death saying are you the wife of such and such?

do you know where your husband is?

before, much to her relief, mentioning you.

you said - just after you heard the noise

of the speedboat they kept asking you about later

fading away in the distance

racing towards freedom of thought

some ninety miles away

- that it wasn't because you too wanted a way out.

your grip on her shoulders a little too tight

shaking so much you were shaking her a little

demanding confirmation you didn't need

that this was real.

this is real you kept insisting

and she knew it was

not because of the way your eyes were glistening that night

not because you shook so hard

that hot tropical night in that unreal spot

surrounded by rocks, one of a kind

that took so long to reach and you did

in such a bad moment

which you didn't mind.

Let us begin by assuming that everything is a dream

I miss the train again. I am there on the platform when it sneaks in quietly without drawing my attention. I watch it slowly pull out and only then realise I was meant to be on it. I can't remember what it was that distracted me. and even though I never manage to get on the train my bag does and all my belongings are gone. I try to catch up with the train on a bike but notice first that I am naked (I am almost used to running around naked it doesn't bother me too much any more though is not exactly comfortable either) then, having covered a fair distance, that I actually left the bike by the station, unchained. I panic and run bare foot through the same sands and bushes that I previously negotiated on the bike I didn't have. I find clothes on the pavement in front of the station and put them on, find the bike at the back of the station but there is no point in trying to catch the train any more. the coin a bald, somewhat angry man gave me earlier that was meant to be a ticket or a key to somewhere important burns and falls apart in my hand. i go back inside the station and keep getting lost in a maze of passages and platforms, finally find the departures table - it confirms what I know already. I knew it the moment I saw the train in slow motion, leaving without me and taking away the brown leather bag I will never even try to reclaim. there are no more trains today, not to where I'm going. the jovial looking, corpulent woman at the information desk knows my predicament. she looks at me for a while over funnily shaped spectacles that make her look like a content predator, then suggests I could take a different train to somewhere not far from where I need to be, but I'd have to know where to get off. there is no station there so I'd have to stop the train in the middle of a field and jump off, then walk for quite a while in darkness (it is a late night train). I decide to give it a miss. I don't know what else to do though, I don't know anyone here, there's nowhere I can go and I have nothing other than the clothes I found and the bike. if I still have the bike which is uncertain. I spend some time playing with a very small almost translucent frog. next thing I know I am buying a huge white bear for a friend who has been dreaming about one even though I know I can't afford it. but the image of the friend hugging the bear has been haunting me so I give in and buy one. I put it on top of a wardrobe, a girl with black hair smiles approvingly, I think I am in her house. then suddenly I get attacked by a fierce flying thing let out by someone from underneath a big plank of wood. a bright pink and red cross between a fish and a lizzard, it sinks its pointy teeth in my hand and won't let go, its little eyes looking into mine quizzically, until i stroke its big ugly head with my other hand and we kinda bond. then my friend shows up and I give him the bear only it has turned black and there are now two of them. it is awkward, he really wanted a white one. neither of us knows what to do with the two black bears and the bears themselves, though only oversized toys, sense it and become very sad. we are surrounded by basins filled with dangeous creatures that are there, apparently, for our protection. my new pink and red companion is one of them. all pretty obvious and thinly vailed shit no need to consult dr F
do you control the dream. or does the dream control you.

I'm a fucking walking paradox no I'm not

the other day I almost decided to sponsor a child. never mind that I myself am in a serious need of sponsorship and keep meaning to cancel (temporarily I hope) my monthly transfers to charity .. but hey, we can't always be consistent can we. it is hugely overrated anyway. come to think of it - and this is obviously not the first time I have - people tend to value things that are hardly advisable if not harmful. consistency is one of them. we have this saying where I come from: only a cow never changes its mind and I doubt even that is true. how can anyone who thinks not change their mind? and how sticking religiously to a once adopted point of view, philosophy, plan, path, version of history, whatever for the sake of it is a virtue? it is not my dears think and change your minds! anyways anyways

if I sponsored it my child would get clean water food meds education and............ "Most important of all ... hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God". and I couldn't bring myself to do it (which is a good thing - I really am in no position to at the moment - but that's not the point here). So basiclly I am refusing a poor suffering child the food the water the health care and education, because I don't want him or her to develop a lifelong relationship with god. or rather which is the case, religion. how wrong is this am I a bad person after all? I was born and raised christian and I'm fine, why can't I trust this little person to at some point start thinking for him or herself and not grow into one of those annoying narrow-minded evengelical christians whom I find painfully boring but end up talkng to anyway in Dalston?

holy grail

everyone wants to talk about relationships these days. what's gotten into people? or am I somehow subconsciously starting it? I don't think I am, still, the subject has been on my mind more than I would like it to be and the fact that so many of my (mainly male for some reason) friends seem to think that I am a perfect container for their built up frustration, doesn't help.

I may be a perfect container for everyone's frustration but everyone's frustration may not  be what the container needs at the moment.

meanwhile my own quest for an ideal man has become a parody of itself and I have to admit I do find it mildly amusing. basically there are two bottom lines: 1. nobody's perfect. 2. only perfect is good enough. the cause is lost. or is it? I say depends on the definition of perfect. looking for perfection in another person has one rather unpleasant side effect though. I look back at myself and ask the inevitable question: what makes me deserve it? have I got what it takes for this increadible being I have dreamt up to find me equally incredible? I am talking someone I can admire but am I admirable? someone who's passionate about what he does and good at it but am I good at anything? the only thing I seem to have mastered is procrastination. here comes bottom line number 3: I am far from perfect. farther than usual I'd say, at least on the surface, this has not been a very good year so far. taking my life into my hands was a fabulous idea, I can honestly say I don't regret it. not being able to work out what to do with it was not part of the plan though. no real surprise there since no plan of mine has come to fruition since... er... ever? everything that has ever worked out well has always been a total surprise, I don't feel like any of my life 'choices' have been conscious decisions. all the conscious decisions I havetried to make, all the plans I have devised seem to have always been obliterated by this crazy wicked god that I have almost really come to believe in. she's got a plan? c'mon, it's good! it's good, go for it! yeah! develop it a bit more! BANG! HAHAHAHAHA. I'm glad someone's having fun.... still, I don't learn. I'm prone to hope and will continue to make plans. and... er... have all this love to give to this totally amazing person out there. but maybe not just yet, I  think I'd like to like myself a little more first. still, I have no say in matters concerning my life so all this is academic.

went to kiss E good night - she's such a fragile thing I sometimes feel like she is this rare, increadibly delicate flower that needs to be loved and looked after or she'll wilt and die - and found her crying uncontrollably over the keybord. I worry about her she seems to be at the end of her tether and she doesn't know how to deal with frustration and anger. everyone seems to be having such hard time these days, must be something in the water. which is, apparently, running out fast, soon to be rationed at this rate. at least it's raining.

the Turk is ignoring me, I think I might have lost a friend. maybe she wasn't a real friend after all. ok I did fuck her over but I really didn't mean to, it really was hardly my fault and she knows that, surely? I hope she'll come round, though I noticed - this kinda scares me but is welcome, I do care just slightly too much about everything and everyone -it doesn't bother me too much. maybe I am begining to give less fuck about things, I wouldn't mind.